Saturday, July 17, 2010

I'm Afraid of the Dark, OK?

i hate to admit it but being in the dark really scares me. i don't think it's the dark so much as the being alone in the dark that scares me. you know how your house has it's own little creeks and grumbles? but you know exactly where each sound comes from and it's not so scary? well i live in a new house with new creeks and grumbles and even sometimes wheezes. and sometimes, when it's nighttime and the house is all dark and i'm the only one awake, i get really scared. the same kind of scared i used to get when i would hurry up the stairs from my basement-positive that someone was following me. i've always been afraid of the dark. my biggest fears are being kidnapped and ghosts. but these fears only come when it's dark and when i'm alone. so i try all sorts of weird things to soothe my troubled mind. when i lived at home i would make sure to fall asleep while my parents t.v. was still on so i could be sure they were still awake. i would always make a point of being in front of them in what i was going to wear to bed because i wanted them to be able to tell the police what i was wearing (what child thinks of this? me, apparently). nowadays, i always make sure to close my window shades before it gets dark because i'm afraid of looking out to the woods when it's dark.. never know what my mind my conjure up. i always clean my room and shut my closet doors and take a mental note of where things are in my room so that if i wake up in the night, nothing misplaced will scare me. most nights i don't even go to sleep until it's light. like tonight. you'd think that as i got older this would go away. and it did for a while. but now, now i sleep in a house with two old people who wear ear plugs and a quadriplegic! if something bad happens in this house, i'm their only hope! so i feel the need to be alert (beside my inability to rest peacefully). not that i know what i would do if something were to happen.. what do i think i'm going to do? haul reed over my shoulder and carry him out? not possible. so anyway, i'm terrified of the dark. most nights i curl up in a cowardly fetal position and think "i want my daddy" and try not to open my eyes for fear that i might see something in my room. it's all really ridiculous and i know it. but i can't help but be scared. i tell myself that there is nothing to be afraid of but i don't believe myself. ok i think i'm rambling now because it's 3:36 in the morning and i'm just delaying the turning off the lights part. farewell followers! (in case i don't make it through the night ;))

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